Changes.xoxo

Today is moving day part A
Believe it or not, I have a life away from the hospital.
The most awesome boyfriend in the world and I have bought a house together.
I know....we have only JUST moved in together. I know....we have have ONLY been dating for  just over a year.
My response? So what! Does it matter? As long as it feels good, we support, love and accept each other, what does time matter?
The house by the way is awesome.
So jungly, liveable, peaceful and earthy. We will have chooks, solar power, water tanks and a vege garden. We have a easy going friend and colleague moving into the flat downstairs and life will be good. Full of positive karma fresh food and love.
What more could one ask for.
Tonight we will have drinks and food on the deck of our yet unfurnished housed with some UTARD friends my daughter and Rizzo's son.
Feel free to drop by for bubbles if you wish. BYO fro drinks and BBQ.
Peace and Love.
Dr. Trace.xx

The Jungle

I am fighting with Gorillas.....and I'm tired.
What to do?
Take some wisdom  and advice from a good friend and fellow blogger.

http://mindthemineshaftgap.blogspot.com.au/

The Gorilla rule. Don't Give up.
"Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don't quit when you're tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired."
So I guess I just keep going....after I get some sleep!

Chapter 2 - Ortho(awful)peadics

The first day of my new rotation....Orthopeadics.  An elective (meaning it was my choice....yeah right!?)  12 weeks of it and so far so good.
It's interesting that the very registrars I fought with to get patients admitted to their service when I was in ED and it was going to create them work, are now so nice to me that I am on their team and will DO their work!
It seems a lot less stressful than ED in that, there is a finite number of patients. There are patients on the ward, in fracture clinic, pre-admission clinic and "on the board" - awaiting emergency surgery. The numbers vary a little day by day, however clinics come to an end and eventually there is no-one there.
In ED, they never stop coming, and neither does the pressure.
So today another new learning curve begins.
I know very little about orthopaedics and bones in general. In fact as in intern I know a little bit about nothing in medicine and surgery in general!
What the hell do they teach us in medical school??!!
Anyway I muddled through the first day with much thanks to the very patient clinic nurses, until a family medical problem took me home early.
A problem that weighs heavily on my heart tonight.
It is sooooo much easier to be a doctor and sort things out for people you don't know and infinitely more difficult and emotionally exhausting to want to fix the problems of family and friends.

PACE- Graded Assertiveness - For the safety of the patient......and the Med Reg

This blog entry has been put on hold pending a formal investigation. In an effort not to get sued or  bruise peoples fragile ego's, I will refrain posting my thoughts.
CRAP!
Why am I always a heat seeker??
Why can not just accept the incompetence, ignorance and ruddiness of others and let things slide?

Mind movies and other madness

Finally! Some time to sit and write again! This and the next post were prompted by events that happened over two weeks ago and apart from time constraints I have written because I am so conflicted by one of the events I simply haven't known what to do, say or write. So I'll start with the easy one.

A couple of weeks ago, I dreamt a block buster movie. 

I'm  not talking just a good movie , or a movie to win an Oscar. I dreamt the kind of movie that  makes people involved in it so rich, that their offspring will live off the royalties forever, the kind of movie people talk to their grandchildren about.

I dreamt it in absolute vivid detail...the music, the storyline, the set design, the characters....an incredible story, sort of a cross between Contagion, Independence Day, Gattica  and Forest Gump.

Now if I had the time and talent to sit down and reproduce the movies in my mind into an actual script that would be wonderful.
What would be even more amazing though (and possibly still make me millions) would be if I had the ability to understand the mind.

My "mind movie" came from somewhere. What did it mean? Is a way of processing the events of the day? Is it a way of escaping the events of the day or is dreaming some kind of madness?

The day preceding this particular movie dream was indeed madness in the ED.

Not a bed spare, patients spilling out of the waiting room, ambulances lined up in the bays outside like a drive through, patients threatening staff, Doctors making decisions that still leave me shaking my head in disbelief and staff looking bewildered and shell shocked.

An evening shift in the ED....I can't remember what night it was but I remember it was a full moon.

There are many theories about the full moon , crazy people, psych patients and even multiple research studies done on the number and type of patients in the ED when it is a full moon. I don't care what anyone says, until you have worked it you don't believe it,  but it's true.....the full moon makes people crazy and sometimes it's the staff!

On this particular night we had so many weird, bizarre, funny and frustrating patients, that at the end of the night when  all 12 doctors stand around to give hand over we were in tears. 

Tears of laughter, all of us...shaking our heads in complete disbelief as we recounted the stories of the shift. 

As the evening staff walked out and wished the night duty staff a calm night, they wished us a good sleep. It seems I took the madness home into my dreams that night, but sleep I did.

Some people don't. The don't sleep because they hear voices, either their own or  those of other people in their head. They don't sleep because they are anxious, depressed, lonely, scared, psychotic, delusional and sometimes just plain crazy.

For those people, I wish I had a key to unlock the secrets of their minds and set them free.

Sshhhh! This is a hospital!

I had my midterm assessment the other day, first one as an intern.

It was one of those stupid things where there are 6 billion things you have rate yourself on. 

Did I think is was average, above average, outstanding, below average, well below average or suck so badly I'm in the "find a new career category"?

I seriously couldn't be bothered actually thinking about where I really thought I was and grading myself for each criteria, it's just another jump through the hoops exercise. 

I asked a couple of Junior but more senior than me Drs in the department what they though I should do, and was told "everyone just ticks the middle boxes for everything" so I did.

Then it was time for my interview.
I thought this would be a time where I would get some honest, practical feedback and constructive criticism.
Being a new Dr has been terrifying, humiliating, a steep learning curve and so bad for my self esteem. I was really hoping I would have a performance appraisal where they told me something I did well, discussed areas I could improve in and then finished with another positive note...nope!
He ticked every box, right down the middle, just as I had done and said we are happy with you.

GREAT!! I don't suck! But what are you happy with what can I improve on, I wanted to ask but was afraid to, then came the BUT...we are happy with you BUT........

You just know that anything which comes next is never going to be good.

So what was it? 

BUT...you killed someone?
BUT....you don't know one end of a stethoscope from another?
BUT....I'd never want you to look after my relative?
BUT....your documentation is so bad you WILL be sued and no one will defend you? 

Nope. None of those things.
The BUT was....when I first arrived...they thought I was a bit loud. I'm sorry?
I beg your pardon? I don't think I heard that, could you please repeat what you said?

"Tracey, when you first arrived here we thought you were bit loud, and wondered, what on earth do we have here?"

You can't be serious? Out of all the things they could make comment on it's not my skills and knowledge as a junior doctor BUT my volume control!
I walked out of the interview  wondering if my boss had on OFF switch I could flick.

The Good, The Bad....and the Angry!

It's been a while since I had the time and the inclination to write, which just means so much has been going on that I probably should having been writing about it, just to help process things.
Sometimes I feel like I all I ever do is come home from work and complain. To those who are unfortunate enough to live with me, they have probably worked out that I am NOT loving being a Dr.
And yes...it is exactly what I thought it would be....I just thought I'd enjoy it more!
But there are good days.
Sometimes it is a patient that makes part of your day so good that it acts as a life-ring and gets you through the rest of the day until there is wine.
Recently I had the pleasure of treating a truly inspirational man in the ED.
76 years old, fit, normally healthy, just a little dehydrated with some gastroenteritis, nothing exciting about his case. The morning I met him it was unusually slow in the ED, I had managed a run before work and a coffee without getting in late, so far he was my only patient for the day, so I had time.
I had time not just to take a history, and ask about his past medical problems and surgeries but I had time to actually talk to him and find out about the man behind the patient.
I think it started when I was ordering a medication for him "STAT" and he piped up to ask me if I knew the origin of the word...and went on to tell me. (I already knew, it's short for Statim which in Latin means Immediately)
It turn out my patient had studied Latin...why? Because he wanted to read Caeser's Letters to the Romans and did not want anything to be lost in translation...so he studied Latin. It sounds like a very interesting read and is going on my essential reading list...in English.
He also reads and speaks, Spanish, German and French and is the kind of guy I would not like to challenge in a game of scrabble. He has pitch perfect tone, plays multiple musical instruments...in fact was a concert pianist and once upon a time made a living as a piano man.
Like most musicians he had some groupies and was engaged at least once (to a demanding German girl) before he settled with the lady to whom he is still married to today, nearly 40 years later.
He has traveled the world, held interesting jobs and taught me something about "listening" to thunderstorms rather than watching them.
In itself, this would be enough...but he his blind. Totally blind.
The victim of domestic violence at 8 months old,  which resulted in him losing his sight, he was placed in a blind institution as a baby.
Intelligent, educated, worldly, passionate about life, humble, a true inspiration and so different from my everyday patients in ED.
He and I hit it off well and he has offered me free piano lessons!
The day started of good....quickly got bad and deteriorated to ANGRY.
Not me, but the waiting room.
People do 'waiting' for some things better than others. They generally wait well for buses, trains planes and for movies to start, but not for doctors.
They don't like waiting for 5 mins, let alone 3 hours. People expect  free and expert  medical care, which is exactly what they get, just not immediately.
Part of the problem is that  the waiting room is separate from where the ambulances arrive, so patients never see the people more seriously ill or injured arriving that may be seen before them.
The psychology of waiting though, is such that even if they did see someone arriving with both bloody legs hanging off, because they were there first with the splinter in their toe, they should be seen first.
Occasionally tempers flare, people become angry and take it out on staff. It's not uncommon for triage nurses and Drs to be yelled at, verbally and physically abused, and this was what my day deteriorated to.
I just want to say.... it's not called the "I will be seen immediately room"!
Perhaps if people had to pay for their visits to the emergency room they would not come for splinters, colds and GP type problems, then the waiting for the real emergencies to be seen would be less.
More on that later, for now I just want to remember the good in my days...and I have wine!

Tattoos are forever......so is Hepatitis!

My daughter has a tattoo and I am devestated. I haven't seen it yet, she knows how I feel about tattoos and has been trying to mentally prepare me fro her getting one for some time. How does one mentally prepare for their gorgeous 18 year old daughter to permanently mark the beautiful body she has?
I know tattoos are common amongst "young" people, I see it everyday in the emergency department, young guys and girls with multiple tattoos. I also see many mature people with tattoos they got when they were young (you may recall the Circulon TV advertisement) and it is not attractive.
At Logan when I was a student I was introduced to the TTT - Tattoo to Tooth ratio. The more tattoos, the less teeth and the number of tattoos was inversely proportional to the persons IQ. Meaning....there is nothing smart about getting a tattoo.
Now anyone who has one will argue with me I'm sure, and I know we shouldn't judge who a person is by what a person looks like, what their job is, their educational level or what they wear, but the truth is we do.
Apart from the inherent health risks (hepatitis, HIV, staph infections, cellulitis) tattoos are just ugly, I have never seen a nice one yet. I can certainly appreciate that there are some incredibly talented tattoo artists out their and some of the designs are amazing but the minute I see it on someones skin it looses it's artistic appeal.
I tried everything to talk my daughter out of this, and nothing has worked, she keeps trying to make me understand and it's like she somehow wants my approval, which she will never get.
She is stubborn, pig headed, independent and willful, she is also intelligent, kind compassionate, loyal and sensitive....she is just like me. I learnt a lot of things the hard way, my parents tried to make things easier by guiding me with advice, and trying to help me avoid making the same mistakes they did, of course Id didn't listen and did things my way and so will Estee.
It is so very difficult to sit by and watch your offspring find their own way in the world.

A Host of Sparrows

The correct name for a group or gathering of sparrows is a host....and they are presently residing in my brain. Noisy little buggers, keeping me up, distracting me, ruining my concentration and there are A LOT of them.
Each and every one represents a thought, a problem, an issue, a concern, an errand that needs doing, a hope or a wish that is currently on my mind or needs addressing.
The business of work and the flight of the sparrows has stopped me from writing, perhaps though writing is what I need to do? After all that was the intention of this blog in the first place, to write about my life as an intern and have a place to vent without driving my awesome boyfriend nuts.
Speaking of my awesome boyfriend... he's been putting up with quite a bit lately. I come home nearly every day and want to run all the cases I had past him to get his opinion. Did I do the right thing? What would he have done / said if he was me or my consultant? Sometimes I forget that he has worked a whole shift in the ED at Logan with a whole bunch of brand new doctors doing the same thing to him all day and that maybe, just maybe when he comes home he doesn't want to be at work!
He loves to teach though and he is so patient with me. If it wasn't for the fact that he is the least romantic man on the planet (yes he has a fault) then I would call him a saint.
I was so excited about something I did at work yesterday though, I couldn't wait until I got home to tell him. Of course as we have been working opposite shifts he would have been asleep and I would not have been able to share anyway, so I had to text him as soon as it happended.
A little over a year ago, when I was still a medical student, I was busy flirting, perving and not actually listening to my then teacher and not yet boyfriend, who was demonstrating to a group of students how to reduce an anterior shoulder dislocation. There are various techniques for this procedure, some of which I had seen before but the one he was showing us seemed odd and I had never seen or heard of it, but I logged it my memory bank as a back up. Thank goodness!
Yesterday, I had a lovely middle aged woman come in after tripping over her dog with a shoulder dislocation. Various people tried a number of other techniques to reduce it without success and I decided to try the Rizzo technique...It worked! What a wonderful feeling that satisfying clunk of a humeral head slipping back into the place it belongs is!
It was the first shoulder reduction I had done on  my own. I had asked my registrar a couple of times for his assistance but he was busy with an angle grinder injury and kept ignoring me. I found out later this is his way of teaching...ignore me long enough and I'll become frustrated and pissed of with waiting for him and end up having a go myself.
So thank you to both of the docs  in this story, one for equipping me with the knowledge and the other for encouraging me to use it.
Ok...sparrow home to roost for the night, so many others still flying around.

Finding Time

I have been busy.
Night duty...which I means I don't sleep at night......or during the day! For some reason I am one of those people that like to sleep at night and even if I have been awake, riduculously busy and not made it into bed until 9am, I still can't sleep during the day.
This makes me tired, grumpy and emotionally labile. I can do nothing else when I am on night duty but work and try to sleep. It's not pretty, don't even talk to me or I will cry.
I have also found it takes me days to get over it, and then of course I am back at work on late shifts that don't finish until midnight.
Yes I am complaining. At present I feel like I have no life outside of work and if even I did, I would be too tired to participate in it, let alone enjoy it.
This is a very long winded way of explaining why I have not written, not because I have nothing to say but I have so much to say I want to sit down and do it properly when I have time to think.
Maybe tomorrow.

Facing the fear

So the fist week of being a Dr is over and I am a little less terrified now. Partly because my last shift was actually fun, where I got to see and do some cool stuff and learn a lot as well, but mostly because I have some wonderful people in my life that are prepared to listen to me talk about my fears and insecurities but more than that, they are able to give me some good practical advice on how to overcome them.

I had dinner with a Dr A this week, a good friend who has been where I am today, not so long ago herself. She understands the pressure I put on myself to be good.. Not perfect or the best (I’m certainly no overachiever) but definitely better than the average intern, and as such, is able to offer an insiders perspective.

As a teacher, senior emergency physician and the man I live with, the other person I turn to has a wealth of experience and knowledge not only in medicine, but also in handling me.

The ED I am working in has a tracking system where the most serious or urgent case will always be at the top and when “picking up” or seeing another patient, we choose the top one.  The problem with this system is you can also see what’s wrong with them,  for example it might be abdominal or chest pain, altered consciousness, self harm  or suicidal ideation, or maybe just a stubbed toe. Nothing wrong with that in itself, its always nice to be forewarned about what is wrong with you patient, the problem is the ability to choose or refuse.

I have a couple of clinical areas that I feel I’m weak in, these are including but not limited to psych, neurology and paediatrics.  With the system mentioned above, it is easy to see if the next patient in line is one I would feel comfortable in choosing, if not, I can skip and pick up a lower priority patient that is more to my liking.

Not  a good idea for multiple reasons. Firstly, if you never work outside your comfort zone you’ll never improve and always be a little frightened . Secondly…one day someone will notice if you are for example skipping all the “girly” problems and make you do every pelvic exam that comes into the ED for the next week!

So I talked my fears through, got some advice on how to handle the things I’m afraid of and decided that my next shift I would face fear head on and take whatever came – no exceptions.

That shift happened to be a late on Australia day. Public holidays put pressure on emergency departments. People drink to much, take too many drugs, do silly things, get lonely, depressed and fight with each other.  So it was good for me. An altercation with a plate glass window gave me a young man with an arterial laceration in his arm who was trying to bleed out, and too much alcohol gave me another young man whose heart an arrhythmia that I needed to shock.  Just a couple of the more exciting things for the shift.

So when I finally made it home sometime after midnight I was exhausted but exhilarated. I had worked hard, challenged myself , remained focused, organised and confident and received a lovely compliment about my work from the consultant in charge.

Six days off now and a chance to reflect before I start my first night shift later this week.

What's up Doc?

What happens when the Dr becomes the patient?
I'm sick. Acute Bronchitis; Asthma; Lower Respiratory Tract Infection; the Flu; Chest Infection. Call it what you will, I'm just sick.
Not dying, I need to come to the ED call and ambulance or see a Dr kind of sick...but the kind of sick where you look and feel like crap and everyone at work has been saying for the past 2 days..."why are you here? Why don't you go home?, Do you need, steroids? a nebuliser? What about a chest xray? No? How be we intubate then?"
These are the benefits of working in an emergency department....I can get everything I need. Well almost.
I got sent home early from work last night...I was happy about it too, my patients had been testing me and I  wasn't feeling good about being a Dr.
I get home...Mr Awesome cooks me some dinner, listens to my chest offers some doctorly advice and then remembers he is not MY Dr and what I actually need is a good old dose of TLC.
Sometimes that is all our patients need, to talk, to feel listened to, to feel important, understood and cared about.
I may not be able to cure everyone but if I can make all my patients feel this way then I'm not off to a bad start.

The First Patient

Do you ever forget your first real patient as a Dr? I hope not, as he was so lovely and sweet and made my day.
It took me a while to get into the swing of things yesterday. I didn't save any lives, but I didn't kill anyone and I may have just relieved some pain and suffering.
I felt completely overwhelmed, anxious and out of my depth.  I was checking, double checking and triple checking everything I signed and my poor consultant must have thought I was crazy as I ran absolutely EVERYTHING I did past him first.....I was so terrified of making a mistake!
The day moved slowly and I eventually got my groove on. As I was discharging Mr Eric (not his real name of course) ...my first patient, he said to me "thank you so much for looking after me, you are the best Dr I have ever had".
I laughed as I thanked him and said "Eric, I'll let you in on a secret...today is my first day as a Dr and you were my very first patient".
He took my hand and said...."well Tracey, you are wonderful and will go far I'm sure."
A warm fuzzy feeling came over me....I had helped someone and they liked me!

It wasn't all cotton balls and baby ducklings though.

I also had a very difficult case that kept me awake last night and will play on my mind for a long time as I wonder what I could have done differently.
A very anxious patient who had come in for something simple. Something I could fix easily, but in the course of my investigation I found something wrong, completely unrelated as to why they had come in.
I found something hiding, lurking silently, not giving any physical signs or symptoms to the unsuspecting patient that it was there.....a spot.
A dense spot on the chest X-ray of a young, fit 40 year old....my age.
I sat and looked at it. Was I imagining it? I had been looking to rule out rib fractures not to find this.
I waited for the radiology report to come through and tell me I was crazy and I needed new glasses but it confirmed my fears.
How was I going to tell my patient? Oh it's all good no fractures.....just cancer! Have a great day!
I took a deep breath and went to talk to them. I talked about how I wanted to do a CT scan so I could check the spot out and make sure it was nothing sinister.
My patient refused. What? Why? They were too busy. I talked some more, about what it COULD be and how important it was to find out.
I asked questions, explored their history further looking for risk factors....they don't smoke, never have. I asked more questions and explored their fears...the patients mother died of lung cancer. Surely then they would want to have this further investigated? "No thank you, I don't think I will" my patient said to me calmly.
Well maybe I could write a letter to the patients GP and have them follow it up? But they don't have a GP....they never have been sick, they don't go to the doctor. Well what about their kids GP maybe they could go and see them? No.
In the end......they left. Left against medical advice. Refused follow up. I was deflated.
Patients have a right to refuse treatment, we can't force them.
What else could I have done? Was there a magic phrase, something I could have said to change my patients mind? How could I have handled this better?
These are the questions that keep me awake at night?
Maybe Mr Eric is wrong....maybe I'm not a wonderful Dr after all, surely if I was I would have been able to convince my patient to stay.
I hope that they woke up today and decided to take my advice.

Abracadbra!

I need magic spell, or a Time-Turner like Hermione has in the Harry Potter movie so I can get everything done.
I was talking with my dad today and he seems to think I have superhuman powers....I must have, how else could I fit it all in?
So lets do a breakdown
There are 24 hrs in a day.
It is a 45min drive from my new home to work - door to door. Lets say an hour from door to seeing my first patient of the day.
I need an hour to get ready for ready work.
I work for 10 hrs...not including overtime......usually 1-2hrs /day so lets say 1.5
Give me an hour after I get home to unwind, say hello to the dog, check my email / Facebook / mail / think about dinner / talk to my man-freind  and make a list of all the things I need to do tomorrow.
I need 8 hrs sleep or I'm grumpy and difficult to get along with.
So far...2+1+10+1.5+1+8 = 23.5
And I haven't trained, seen or spoken to my friends, done housework, looked up all the things at work I made a list to read about so I don't suck the next day....and I certainly haven't had time to stop and relax!
So how do I get it all done my dad asks??
NO IDEA!
But it is now past midnight and I have to leave home at 6am to be on time for work....something has to give I guess.
The dog might not get exercised, there will be takeaway dinners, often it will be my relationship; my friendships and social life; my studies; my duties as a mother; the training I need to do to reach my Ironman goal; and my family that will suffer.....and sometimes....it will be sleep.
Goodnight.
xoxo

In a former life

So, what did you do before med?
 I must have been asked this question at least 100 times just this week. I wish I could recreate myself...I was a vet, a helicopter pilot, a musician, an artist, a lawyer, a writer.
 Why did you do medicine? The second most frequently asked question. My answer is always "I don't know". Maybe I should have gone and had a career in one of my make believe professions.
Today was the first day in the real world, not too daunting as I had a lovely senior Dr holding my hand. My first rotation is in the Emergency department for 10 weeks. Fortunately  I did two ED rotations as a student and worked as a nurse for a year in the public hospital ED, so it's not a completely foreign place. Today I learnt....it doesn't matter if you tell someone you can do something, or have done something a million times, or know something well. As an intern they think you know nothing, can do nothing and have never seen anything.
So when a trauma resus comes in and I get the cannula first go, take the bloods, run my own ABG, write up the X-ray and path forms correctly....they are surprised!
So, what did you do in a former life? I was / am and always will be a nurse, thank god!
Today...I did not suck!
 Dr.T xoxo

Survive or Thrive??

According to the pharmacists, lawyers and some physicians....interns kill people!
The weapon of choice is the pen.
My brother still has a scar (well a tattoo really) on his neck from when we were kids. I stabbed him with a writing instrument for taking my ice-cream, so  I can totally understand how death by pen can happen.

I have no doubt that I will want to stab A LOT of people (e.g. consultants, patients, nurses, radiologists, pharmacists, orderlies, and myself) with my pen in the next year.
So how do I and all the hospital staff not just survive this year, but thrive??

Some tips from the head of the Radiology Dept which I think can be used not just in the hospital but in all areas of life.

1. If you forget something...admit it...don't lie or try to cover things up...it will only make it worse.
2. Treat all people with respect....you never know who is going to determine your future.
3. Help your colleagues...if you are ready to leave and someone in your workplace is swamped...offer a hand and lighten the load....you will appreciate it when they do the same for you.
4. Swap a shift...if someone asks and you can, do it. In real life, this translates to "be flexible" sometimes plans change. Work with and accommodate others...you may need a favour one day yourself.
5. Be organised....this might need a little work. I like the idea of being organised, but never seem to pull it off.
6. Be humble....plenty of people without a medical degree, know more than you do. So true.
7. No matter how overwhelmed you feel, you are never alone.
8. Don't piss the radiology dept off! (insert - husband, mother, child, friend, barrister...anyone really)
8. Have Fun!!

So day 2 as an Intern...I have a name badge, a provider number, a prescriber number and a poison pen.
I want the lovely pharmacist to be on speed dial on my phone! How will I ever write an insulin order or a Heparin infusion without her leaning over my shoulder?

Sailing.
Smooth calm waters with a firm but gentle breeze, which allows one time to get their bearings, plot a course and enjoy a safe ride.
This is what I hope for my intern year.
Man-friend and I just did the first weekend of our Competent Crew sailing course. It was so much fun, relaxing, exciting and tiring all at once.
Whilst the smooth sailing was nice and steady, the rough and unpredictable sailing, although nauseating, was exhilarating and when I learnt the most about the wind, the crew and my own abilities. (just quietly I'm an excellent helmsman and not so good at winching)

I expect to get a bit of both this year.....not just as I navigate the hospital and my new career as a doctor, but in my personal life as well. I just hope my vessel is seaworthy and my "crew" know when to put on a life jacket and clip on!

Always,
Skipper Trace
xoxo









,

Waking up to an alarm

Why is it so hard?
My first day as an intern and I set my alarm early so I could go for a run (I find running relaxing...I don't think when I run) I did not get up, but rolled over turned the alarm off and decided sleep was far more important.
Thank goodness I have a back up alarm....the one that is set to get me out of bed when I'm to lazy to run, but  still set early enough so I can get ready, grab a coffee and make it to work early on my first day.
It went off..... I rolled over, turned it off and elected for another half hours sleep.
Fortunately I have a backup, back up alarm. This alarm goes off and crap! I really have to get out of bed now. No time for makeup or morning sex or I'm going to be late!
Why is it that I can get up at the same time or earlier when I am on holidays without an alarm, with no problems and look forward to going for a run?
I think it's obligation.
The alarm means I HAVE to do something. I don't have a choice, I'm not being asked nicely if I would LIKE to get out of bed and come to work.....I'm being TOLD to.
I don't like being told what to do. Never have.
Anyway, so I make it to work...last one to walk in and pick up my name tag. No flying under the radar for me! I have been noticed already (at least I'm not wearing a red Hawaiian shirt)
The first day was  paperwork, introductions, hospital tour and learning really important things like healthcare funding.
A lot of TLA's (three letter acronyms) DRG, WAU, LAM,  MAP, DMR, ABF....and the list goes on, it's like being back in officer training school and I start to tune out.
Someone please wake me for lunch.
The afternoon passes with a refresher on hand washing, cannulation, spiking and IV and how to take blood. Interesting for those who have not been nursing for 20years. Mostly boring for me, however I try to forget that I am a nurse and realise that even old dogs can learn new things and different / better ways of doing old things.
The day ends and I am happy to report on my first day I did not suck at being an intern....if only it was going to be this easy everyday.
A drink at the local with the other newbies and I am done for the day.
So the two most important things I learnt on my first day as a doctor have nothing to do with doctoring and more about learning how to live with my man-friend (this is just as new and scary if not scarier than being an intern)
1. If I set an alarm it can only be ONE alarm and I have to get up and let him sleep.
2. There is NO talking in the morning when we are both getting ready for work-it makes us both late.

Tomorrow it begins.....

This time 23 years ago is was in EXACTLY the same position as my almost 18 year old daughter is today. She has just finished year 12 (hated school) although incredibly smart and capable she has not yet reached her full scholastic potential, and faced with the reality of not receiving a uni offer is wondering "what the hell do I do with my life now?"
I hope she can take some comfort in knowing that whilst I was there once, I have now finished my Medical degree and am about to start work as a doctor (and for the record....I still don't know what I want to do with my life either!)
There is so much going on in my head at the moment, in an effort to get some sleep at night and to not drive my wonderfully patient manfriend away with my constant need to talk about EVERYTHING , I have decided to write it all down.
I am not a writer, don't expect greatness.
I am nervous about starting tomorrow, even though I know it will be all paperwork and admin, in fact all of orientation week will be much of the same.
But it is all new.....a new hospital, new people, new routines, a new role.
I no longer have the safety net of being a medical student and not actually being responsible.
I no longer have the confidence and self assuredness of being an excellent nurse with 20 years experience; I am a minion and a sponge.
I don't feel like I have learnt anything at medical school and am certainly not prepared to be signing my name to a script or a X-ray order and god help me if I am the first person at an arrest (first rule in any emergency- check your own pulse) and I am terrified I might actually kill someone.  I am however, willing to follow the advice of someone I admire and respect  which is "just try not to suck at being an intern" I hope I can do him and myself proud.xo